To my war-mate

Puede que haya tiempos más bonitos, pero este tiempo es nuestro. - Sartre 

I decided to write these next lines in English, because the person that inspired them, struggles sometimes with understanding everything just in Spanish, and I really want him to know how much it means having him as a partner during perfect, good and not so good moments.

I have been struggling with many uncontrollable thoughts and feelings of sadness the last few days. Sometimes it climbs my skin and comes out to the surface and sometimes it stays a little bit calm and you would never guess that is there. I don´t hide it anymore and I don´t feel ashamed, like I used to whenever I felt sad and didn´t understand why. With the years I have understood that I´m not alone in this and that many people suffer the way I do. And even when depression is still a taboo and there´s still a lot to understand about, when you deal with it or somebody you care has to carry that weigh, everything that you thought you knew about it, doesn´t matter anymore.

Depression makes you exhausted, sad and puts a hole in your chest and it also makes you feel like you have a “grey cloud” over your head. From my experience, I can even say that I get migraines and when it leaves your insides and externalizes your body, you can also feel real pain. Maybe it´s different to everybody, but how to explain that to a person who can see how much you change during those grey days and he is not part of that, even when he feels that way?

I know that he has been feeling pain too, even when he hasn´t said it. I´ve seen my family and friends suffer when I was in pain, so I can tell he is feeling it too. If he only knew that with him the pain feels less real, I think it would make him feel less responsible.

I´ve been crying without any reasons, I´ve been telling him stories that work as a trigger and confessing experiences that feed the sadness, just to let him know that my sadness hasn´t nothing to do with him or our relationship. Many things that I have said, I would have never have share with anybody, maybe because I was avoiding showing the world how much I can really feel.

I want to let him know that even when things hasn´t been the typical and “perfect” way, he has been the greatest support during these hard moments. I know he is fighting his own monsters too, but even still, he makes me feel like I belong somewhere, even when we both don´t know where it is. He makes me smile with a “good morning beautiful” or with a “AH <3 MP”- note, next to the things he knows that I like. I know he is trying his best to show me how much he feels and how much we are in this together. I feel accompanied and I can feel his hand pulling me up and wiping my tears.